THE GIFT OF MONOGAMY: EVERYBODY CAN BE SOMEBODY

What do the newly released DVD Shark Tales, Dr. Laura and Christianity have in common? They all teach that real love can make a Somebody out of anybody. The movie does its teaching indirectly, while talk-show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Christianity just come right out and say it. But these dissimilar cultural icons of Dr. Laura and Oscar the fishy star of Shark Tales are supporting a message basic to Christianity.

There are many things for a parent to dislike about Shark Tales, but there’s at least one thing to like. In the movie, Oscar thinks he has to make it to the "top of the reef" to be somebody. He has to get to the top, get taken for a ride by a gold-digger, fall flat on his face, and almost lose Angie, the real love of his life, before he figures it out. Loving and being loved is what really makes him a Somebody. Angie builds him up, supports him, helps him. He really is Somebody to her. By the end of the movie, he realizes that this is more than enough.

Dr. Laura’s new book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands makes a similar point, with real people instead of cartoons. Any woman can make her husband feel like a hero, simply by showing her appreciation of all that he does. Quit complaining and nagging, says Dr. Laura. The scores of listeners who contributed to this book agree with her. If you want more of a behavior, praise your husband for it. Make him feel like a hero. He’ll start acting more like a hero. Let him be Somebody, at least in his own home. That gives us wives the best chance of being Somebodies ourselves. We may not be movie star gorgeous or fashion model slim. But we can be queens in our own households.

One of Dr. Laura’s male listeners wrote:

Despite our rugged outward appearance, most men tend to have delicate psyches. I know four very happily married men. In each case, their wives make a point of stroking their egos and making them feel that they approve of them. Consequently, these men practically worship their wives.

As I was reading Dr. Laura, it occurred to me that marriage is one of the great equalizers in society. Everybody can be a Somebody, at least in their own home. Each person can be the center of somebody else’s universe. I don’t need to please the whole world. I just need to please my husband. He doesn’t need to have a million dollars, be a rock star or President of the U.S. He just needs to be my hero.

But this kind of equality can only come about in monogamous societies. In polygamous societies, the wealthy men hog the desirable women. The husband of many wives is a "somebody" because he is rich enough to support all those women and their children. Ordinary men of modest means either have to wait a long time to get married, or they don’t get married at all. They go through much of their lives without being a "somebody" the way Oscar the fish gets to be.

And the woman who is one wife among many doesn’t get to be queen of her own home. She may be queen of her part of the house, and queen over her own children. But she doesn’t get the experience of being anybody’s one and only, the star of her husband’s show. She has to share the stage with a whole chorus. Polygamy just doesn’t have the same egalitarian impact as lifelong monogamy.

In a society that forbids polygamy, every man can have a wife. Every woman can have a husband all to herself. Everybody can be a Somebody to at least one person.

Unfortunately, our society seems to be hell-bent on trashing monogamy. We seem to think that replacing it with serial polygamy, meaning our endless divorce and remarriage culture, will make people better off. And in the short run, it might appear to. Newly divorced couples might breathe a sigh of relief that they no longer have to live with the tension of their difficult marriage. It may seem that easy divorce makes women more equal with men.

But in the long run, we are setting something in motion that will be difficult to reverse. First wives and second wives compete with each other for the man’s time, attention and resources. Neither is really quite the queen bee in the same way that she could have been in a marriage that lasted for a lifetime. That competition among wives doesn’t exactly elevate the status of women.

And as our cultural slide picks up steam, we’re setting ourselves up not only for serial polygamy, but for actual polygamy. The ACLU and others on the Life Style Left seem to think that polygamy or polyamoury, as they prefer to call it, will be an extension of a hippie love fest. But that expectation flies in the face of human experience. It is monogamy that has consistently improved the status of women throughout history. And if Muslim immigrants who want to practice a traditional form of their religion get themselves a court-ordered entitlement to legalized polygamy, well, let’s just say, it’s not likely to be a mellow Marin County experience. It is women who are going to end up being vulnerable in a society that allows multiple spouses.

It is a historical fact that when Christ demanded lifelong monogamy, he was giving the world a new standard that even the Apostles had difficulty accepting. I would add, he was also promising a new grace and founding a new social context to go with it.

It is monogamy that has elevated the status of women relative to men and equalized the status of men relative to each other. And without Christianity, especially Catholic Christianity, we wouldn’t have the benefits of lifelong monogamy. So let’s show some respect to this great cultural institution of monogamy, and to our Church that made it possible.

This article is available for free reprinting in your church or non-profit group’s newsletter. If you plan to use it, please notify me at j-morse@cox.net and use the following attribution: "This article originally published in the National Catholic Register, and is reprinted with permission of Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, author of ‘101 Tips for a Happier Marriage’ which you can find on-line at www.jointhemarriagerevolution.com."